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Still Here

It has been 19 years since it was official, since I was officially single.  I had been married a third of my life, and I must be honest, I really didn’t think nineteen years later I’d still be here.  But here I am.  To be completely transparent, I desire a meaningful relationship that would eventually lead to marriage.  I even ponder what could have been with my ex-husband or the things that could be if I had a husband.  Hey, a girl can dream, can’t she?

Listen.  I’ve tried to fall into this stereotypical allusion that I’m single satisfied and loving every minute of it.  I truly understand the distinct and unique benefits of this gift called singleness.  I fully understand the teachings of Jesus Christ as noted throughout Matthew 19 as singleness may be necessary or a personal choice.  I really, really, really do understand God knows the plans He has for me like  Jeremiah says in his book around chapter 29 and verse 11.

Here’s the truth, tho.  Singleness is good when it relates to the kingdom, but…yes, but… singleness is hard and gives way to some serious fleshly obstacles and challenges.  

Yep.  I said it.  Being single, in some instances, can be hard.  I have had many conversations with the Lord about it before I told you, so He already knows.  He knows my heart’s desires.  He knows there is a woman of flesh wrapped around this spiritual essence He has created, and that woman often wars against the spirit within.  Sometimes it is hard.  For ME.

I’ve been thinking about why this is hard.  For ME.  And I had to look close at the L-word.  Loneliness.  So, I have friends, both male and female, and in the male category it’s all innocent, no friends with benefits.  I also had to look at the S-word.  (I hope we’re all grown here).  So, here it is, is this loneliness a mask for my temptations to sexual desires?  But we won’t unpack that, not yet.  That’s for another blog.  Or maybe it’s the E-word that every woman is credited with.  Emotions.  Is all of this just a whole bunch of emotions and desires I can’t even explain? 

With this whole narrative, the most transparent truth; the moment of keeping it real; no capping…drumroll please… I do not always like being single.  It makes me uncomfortable.  It makes me feel vulnerable.  I don’t always like this place. 

There I’ve said it.  Go tell your momma ‘ nem what I said.  If I’ve already told you, I don’t have a thing to be ashamed of when my words try to catch me around the corner.  And if some of you single women are honest with yourselves, you feel the same way.  Go ahead single ladies; you say it, too.  You’re thinking it anyway.  Free yourself… Free your mind the rest will follow…

Truth is, there are singles in the world who are not content.  They don’t always look at singleness as a gift from God.  Sometimes some singles don’t cherish or hold their season of singleness close to their hearts.  And that’s okay. 

It’s okay to recognize that the season of singleness is not always without struggle, reservation or hesitation.  It’s also okay to recognize that it is better to be single than to be miserable.  Don’t nobody want to be miserable!  That thought alone allows me to genuinely enjoy my time being single, to enjoy my journey to self-discovery, to enjoy learning new things about myself and my interactions with others.  After all, if I can’t enjoy myself alone, how can I enjoy myself being yoked up with someone else?

Look y’all. I gotta keep moving, because the way my singleness is set up, I can’t be paralyzed in this place.  My singleness has motion.  And hopefully, I’ll get to tell you about that motion in the next blog.  But for now, I encourage you, don’t stay paralyzed in your single season.   Hang in there!  Endure.  Embrace.  Enjoy where you are now.  When strong winds blow, grip your fist tighter around the true vine and hang on for dear life.  When it gets too cold find ultimate refuge under the wings of the Almighty.  Seek the God of another chance, and I promise He will see you through whether your destination is marriage or complete, satiated, single, contentment.

Sticking and staying; moving and shaking through this thang

#staywititdee

~Demetria

Published inHer Wisdom

2 Comments

  1. Mildred B Jenkins Mildred B Jenkins

    Thanks for sharing. Singleness is definitely hard but one day. 🙌🏾

  2. Curtistine Curtistine

    Believe me, you are not alone. I feel that very same way. I pray for God to send me a “good” husband some day. I’m not out looking for nobody, but I sometimes wonder how will I know he’s God sent. But I’m patiently waiting

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